Whenever I have something running through my mind on a constant basis, writing has always been my "go-to" when dealing with it. I guess I'm the kind of person that has to voice/write out things so that I feel they are being released. We all think about things that we NEVER share or speak out loud but there's just something about putting it in writing (or blogging) that seems to bring some sort of relief or sense of clarity to the situation or circumstance.
I am 110% an over-thinker. I seem to have developed this "knack" over the years and it is one that I really wish I hadn't developed as I've gotten older. I guess I am more careful of my choices in life because I know that a lot of times we only get ONE chance or some small choice can be pivotal in what road you take in life. This has been the key to my over-thinking as well as my tendency to want to be in control or oh so stupidly thinking I am in control.
Relationships seem to be the biggest area where my over-thinking has blow up in FULL FORCE lately. I won't lie I have had few compared to most people my age but nonetheless I take being in one and all that goes with it seriously. Relationships in society have changed DRASTICALLY over the years and it is really sad to see what they have become. I have been through many ups and downs in the relationships that I have had, even though I would wish to change some things about them, at the same time I wouldn't change them either, because I know they have brought me to the place I am now. I have had the good, bad, ugly, and really ugly as far as my past goes. I've experienced love, fun, hate, hurt, deep hurt, betrayal, surprise, pain, dishonesty, laughter, joy, tears (many tears=) and the list goes on and on. I don't understand why some things happened how they did or why they didn't work out but I have to rest in the fact that God had a plan in the pain as well as the good times and nothing will thwart his plans from succeeding. He has taught me how I want to be loved and cared for and how I DON'T. He's actually taught me a lot about myself and my insecurities as well as my strengths. Places that I have and do struggle in are in giving up. I am NOT good at it! Sometimes I feel like Lot's wife looking back on Sodom and Gomorrah, when God tells them not to look back. I feel like looking back at my past turns me to stone just like it did her when she looked back. I am afraid of making the wrong choice and sometimes by moving on I feel like I'm leaving something behind something that I should wait for, especially when you love that something. I want to make the right choice and I wish that God would just not give us a choice in certain things that he would just say, "here this is the way it's going to be, this is the person I have for you." I think it would be easier that way, haha. Unfortunately, and fortunately God gives us choices. I guess trust and faith wouldn't be what they are if there wasn't any risk or unknowns involved. It's funny how you can be so sure about something your entire life and then BAM you're thrown for a loop. I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY that God already knows the ending to my story and has it all in control and I should relax because he has good things for me!
I have to consciously make the choice to CHOOSE to trust the Lord to lead me along HIS path of life for me. He's writing my story and by being so darn worrisome I am stealing the joy of trusting Him and his plan for me. I pray for wisdom and discernment in my choices daily and know the Lord will provide if I'll be still and listen. Bottom line is, He loves me and has immensely better plans that greatly exceed any my little brain can conjure up=). I will stop trying to figure it out and relax, and enjoy the ride. The Lord is good and his love endures F O R E V E R! What more do I need to know?!
p.s. I should have become a nun;)
Live, Laugh, and Let Go,
~Charity
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